Wednesday, March 26, 2008


I awoke slowly. The beers had flowed the night before like a dam burst open. I sat on the edge of the bed staring blankly down for a long time. I sat thinking of absolutely nothing. I looked from the carpet to my pot belly to my erect penis. My muddled mind figured out that I needed to get up and take a good long piss. Must be some of that beer still fermenting in there, I thought.
As I sat thinking about standing, I realized that this would be a shit, not just a piss. I got up and stumbled to the bathroom, still fighting the residual drunkenness of the night before. I sat heavily on the cracked seat. I reached back and got the copy of Love is a Dog From Hell by Bukowski that currently lived on the back of the toilet for people to read while using my facilities.
I sat reading. One poem told me that to become a good, no a GREAT writer, you must drink a lot of beer and fuck a great many whores. Well, I had the first part covered. I read a couple more and stood to wipe. I turned, crouched and wiped. As I did, the spectacles fell from my face and into the bowl. "Shit." I thought and shit I saw. I looked at my glasses sitting on a bed of shit and at my hand holding shit-covered shit-paper and there was still some shit on my ass too.
I froze for a bit while I decided what to do.
I certainly couldn't go waddling around the house and if I just reached in and got the glasses, my weak stomach would lose its' contents. I needed to finish wiping, but what of the glasses? I couldn't cover them with shit covered wet toilet paper.
I crouched there, thinking.
Finally I threw the paper into the waste basket and finished wiping doing the same with the rest of the paper. The whole time I stared at those glasses resting on their bed of shit.
Done with wiping, I stood to face the problem. My Idea was this: If I flushed, the shit would get sucked down into the abyss, leaving the glasses stuck across the opening. I had to time it right though. Just as the water sloshed at the bottom of the bowl, I'd have to reach in (lightning-fast) and snatch the glasses. I figured I'd have to disinfect them in some way, but that was another problem.
I positioned myself. Right hand perched above the bowl and left on the flusher.
I flushed.
The shit and glasses both spun around and around and around. I watched helplessly as it all flushed down the toilet.
The bowl refilled, the back refilled for a bit longer and the thing finally stopped running as I crouched there dejected. My glasses were gone for good.
I sighed and plucked the used paper out of the waste basket and deposited it in the toilet. I flushed again and they spun around and went down. As it cycled, the toilet made a tortured THUNK and something underneath burst with great sprays of water all over the floor, up the walls, and right in my face.
I panicked. I tried to turn off the water, but it was no good. The pipes were done for and there was no turning it off. I jumped up, got a headrush and fell to the wet tile floor. On the way down, I smacked up against the edge of the tub and must have broken a couple of ribs. I lay there for a while before trying again. I got up more slowly and tip-toed out of the bathroom closing the door behind me. Water was pouring out from under the door in waves. I reached into the closet and grabbed an armload of towels. These I threw on the floor and kicked into the crack under the door. This abated the flow for about 30 seconds.
I yelled at the door and slammed a fist into it. It went through like paper and hurt like hell. I extracted my bloody fist from the jagged hole and shook it in the air. I screamed obscenities at the ceiling and stalked out, blind, stinking, and naked into the living room. I stumbled around the room looking for the cordless telephone.
I finally found it stuck between the cushions on the couch. I flopped down and pressed the TALK button. It beeped three times and flashed a little red light labeled BATT at me. Exasperated, I threw the phone across the room and thrashed helplessly on the couch for a while. Once my faculties were recovered, I located a moderately dirty towel on the floor and wrapped it around my waist. Thus clad, I left my apartment in search of a phone. I walked to the next door in the complex and knocked.
No answer.
I walked to the next one.
No answer there either.
I tried the knob. Finding it unlocked, I walked inside and looked around. It looked worse than my place. It was littered with bottles of all kinds. Beer, whiskey, and wine bottles were strewn all around. Mixed in with these were cigarette butts, garbage from fast food restaurants, slips of paper with scrawled phone numbers, junk mail, Ed McMahon proclaiming that Edna Croush had won a bundle, and various other waste products of modern american life.
I tried to figure out which of the people I nodded at on the way to and from the laundry room and out in the parking lot was Edna Croush. I couldn't pick her out to save my life.
Soon enough I remembered that I had a mission here and abandoned my reverie. Locating a phone and phone book, I looked up Plumbers. All the pages from H though L were missing, but the P's were still there. I sat in an old bean-bag chair sending plumes of little styrofoam balls flying and dialed 'AAA Plumbing'.
"Hello, Earl here, what ya' need?", a gruff voice asked.
"Uh, yes, is this Triple A plumbing?", I asked the voice.
"Yeah it is, you got a job for us?"
"Well, yes I do, and it's kind of an emergency. You see, my toilet's busted and water's going everywhere. It's seeping into the rugs as we speak. Can you get a guy out here to do something about it?"
"Have you turned off the water?", he asked, like a baboon.
"What the hell do YOU think!? The pipes are busted! I can't turn off the fucking water!"
Dead silence on the other end of the phone.
"Hey look buddy, I'm sorry", I pleaded, "I'm having a bad morning, the toilet's busted and I need someone out here. Please Earl."
The guy finally agreed to get someone out to take a look at it for me. As we were straightening out the particulars, this woman of about maybe forty-five years came out of the bedroom.
She was naked and had what looked like dried puke on her big fleshy belly. She blearily stumbled into the kitchen and began to fiddle around with a bottle and a glass from what I could hear. I sat in silence, hoping that she'd not notice me and go back to her bedroom with the drink.
No such luck.
I hadn't hung up the phone. It started making a terrific noise. Apparently, Earl had hung up. I heard a glass drop in the kitchen and she came running out.
When she saw me there, she froze. She just stared all wide eyes and shivering flesh.
I took her in.
She was a big woman. Maybe two hundred fifty pounds. She tried to cover herself with her hands. She didn't have big enough hands to cover anything.
I gave myself a mental shake and tried to think of what I could do or say to not get arrested or shot as a result of all of this. I smiled up at her from the beanbag and opened my towel to expose my cock.
She looked at it as if she'd never seen one before and I guess it gave her a start because she flew into action. In one swift move she unfroze, ran into and then out of the kitchen, and threw an apple at me.
It hit me with surprising force right in the belly. I rolled out of the chair and across the garbage littered floor. I found the door under a hail of rotten fruit and smashing bottles.
Gripping my towel like a relay baton, I ran clumsily back to my apartment where I beheld the carnage. There was water in the living room submerging the carpet under about an inch of water. The kitchen was in a similar state. The bedroom, however, seemed to be holding up well until I noticed that all of my clothes had soaked up water and worse yet, the bed, which sits directly on the floor, had become entirely waterlogged.
Something had to be done.
I waded to the bathroom and opened the door on much deeper water. I sat in it and waited for it to pour out enough to see the pipes.
It did and I spotted the broken pipe. Just a big hole really. I stuck my thumb into the hole and the flow stopped, but the pressure was tremendous. I had to push constantly to keep it back. It kept spraying out on the sides of my thumb, catching me in the face, across the shoulders, everywhere.
I sat there filthy and naked hoping that Earl hadn't forgotten me.